York Street Bum

Closing Down Shop

2006-04-23T20:26:00.000-06:00

Not like any of you care, but the time has come to shut down this pathetic attempt at a blog. There are several reasons behind this decision:

1) I have run out of things to complain about.
2) I have come to the realization that most of the things I complain about do not directly affect my life, so why should I care? If you want to be a fat slob, help yourself to another Krispy Kreme.
3) I will soon move out of Great Falls, and will certainly run out of things of which to make fun.
4) There are much better ways to occupy my time than at the computer. Exercising, reading, practicing the drums, and watching baseball are just a few.
5) I have noticed recently that many criminals are leaving evidence in their blogs that is used against them in court. I don't want to say anything that will get me in trouble someday.

So that's it. It's been an interesting year, and 92 posts later, I've realized that it's just not something I was cut out to do. As a matter of fact, I'm still trying to figure out what I was cut out to do. Thanks to Dave for giving me the idea. But I'm sorry, another one of your blog children has died. Enjoy your hobby. But Da Bum is signing off, with one last.....

Driven Under-Ground

2006-04-09T19:09:00.000-06:00

Friday night I had the pleasure of sharing the stage with a band whom I consider to be the best rock band in Montana. Hands down. Yea, they're all kids, but Driven Under, who hail from Helena, know how to rock. I have seen them before at The Loading Zone, but this time my band played a show with them at the Black Eagle Community Center. It was a weird show...WAY too many high school kids, and it wasn't really our crowd (most weren't into cover songs), but it was fun to do something different. We discovered that we're much better suited to play in front of drunk people. Plus most of these kids weren't even born when some of the songs we played came out. Regardless, I got to hang out with Driven Under, gave them an Enceladus t-shirt, and gave them some sound advice: When you can, get the HELL out of Montana! They're way too talented, and Montana is way too lacking in original music appreciation. They need to move to a big city with a music scene. Anyway, check 'em out.

You have to be old enough to shave to look tough.

What Happened to Crank Yankers?

2006-04-05T21:00:00.000-06:00

How come this show isn't on anymore? For those that haven't seen it, it was a Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Carolla produced show on Comedy Central where puppets acted out various crank calls made by Jimmy, Adam, and others, including Tracy Morgan and even Snoop Dogg. The crank calls weren't as funny as say, the Jerky Boys, but when coupled with stupid looking puppets and crazy antics, it was hilarious. One of the best characters was Special Ed (below), who was well, special. He would call people and drive them crazy. Man, I miss good, offensive tv.

"I got mail, yea!"

Rotary Phones

2006-03-29T11:43:00.000-07:00

"If you do not have a touch tone phone, please hang on." I can't believe companies still play this message. Tell me, who in their right mind, in this day and age, has and uses a rotary phone? Even in Montana, which is about 20 years behind the rest of the country, I have yet to see anyone with a rotary phone. I mean who would waste time spinning that dial, making their fingers sore, when they can head to Walmart and get a touch tone phone for $5? Do you know anyone with a rotary phone? Come on. Companies should take take this message off and replace it with "If you do not have a touch tone phone, you're shit out of luck, you retard."

For English, press 1.

Welcome to Bridgeporto Rico

2006-03-22T12:10:00.000-07:00

Anybody check out the bracket regions in the women's NCAA basketball tournament? Albuquerque. Check. San Antonio. Check. Cleveland. Check. Bridgeport. Che...What the hell? How are you going to have the finals in 3 cool U.S. cities, and then throw in Bridgeport? For those that have never been to this dump, it's a coastal Connecticut city about 40 miles up the road from New York City. It's full of garbage, bums, gangs, pollution, run down buildings, and it even filed for bankruptcy several years back. Maybe it's changed a bit since I've been there, but I can't understand why anybody would want to visit Bridgeport. I feel bad for the girls that have to travel to this region. Suckers. Bring your gas masks and bullet proof vests.

The only dirtier cities I've ever seen are New Orleans and New Jersey.

Da Bum Is Outta Here

2006-03-12T17:53:00.000-07:00

The Montana winters have become too much for me and my cardboard box, and I've decided to pack up and move to a warmer climate. I'll be relocating to Tampa, FL in August, ready to enjoy the weather and the beaches and the fine ladies. I don't think the Montuffalo's have migrated that far south, so that is good news. Things I'll miss about Montana? Good question but there are a few: My band, snowboarding, Thirsty Thursdays, and Calgary. I know, Calgary is not in Montana, but it's very accessible from here. It's been fun (sometimes), but I'll see ya.

Coyote Ugly Saloon in Tampa. Maybe I can get a job there?

Great Falls is OK When You're Drunk!

2006-03-05T20:31:00.000-07:00

You know, I'm going to break tradition here and actually say something nice about Great Falls. Last night I had the pleasure of attending the annual Wine and Food Festival at the Heritage Inn. It's probably the classiest event Great Falls has to offer. For $30 I was treated to unlimited food and drinks until 9pm. Now I'm not much for wine, but the good news was that they had plenty of beer, and the lines were always short since it was a "wine" festival. Anyway, I know I had more than my $30 worth, so I was happy. My buddy Joe is a wild man. Knowing that they stopped serving free booze at 9, he went around to all the tables at about 8:45 and collected whatever he could to sustain all of us for the rest of the evening. This guy had cases of wine and beer under the table. It was amazing. We actually had to carry stuff out to the car. Leave it good ol' Joe to get the job done! All in all a good night, but I'm paying the price for it today.

Did this guy puke from too much beer or a montuffalo sighting?

Give It Up For the White Guy

2006-03-01T20:56:00.000-07:00

For many years now, the white guy has been taking a beating in basketball, a game we invented. I don't know if it's because blacks play more basketball as youths, are taller, or are more athletic. But ever since blacks got involved in the sport, they have been kicking our asses. Wilt, Magic, Jordan, LeBron - all those great players are black guys. Well folks, it looks like the cracker is making a comeback. Take a look in the college game, where you'll see the top two players in the country, J.J. Redick of Duke, and Adam Morrison of Gonzaga (born in Montana!), are white. The best freshman in nation, Tyler Hansbrough from North Carolina, is white. And they're playing the game with intelligence, skill, and finesse. Yea, a good dunk is nice every once in a while, but let's see some basketball the way it was meant to be played. And if you want to see a whole team of white guys (who are good), and just happen to be inbred, white-trash hicks to boot, check out the University of West Virginia. Wow. A couple of those dudes have more tattoos than teeth.

They may not be able to jump, but they can sure shoot.

Pet Peeve #372

2006-02-26T13:58:00.000-07:00

Having just returned from Colorado Springs, one saying that I can't stand to hear is "Have a safe flight." Huh? That makes absolutely no sense. Sure, it's appropriate if I'm flying the plane, but don't you realize that I have no control over the flight's safety as a passenger? If the mechanic is incompetent, or the pilot's retarded, well I can't control that. I can only hope that when I get on the plane, I arrive in one piece. That is unless I'm returning to Great Falls. Then I usually contemplate jumping off the plane.

Can I get some more corn nuts over here?

Plugger Ass With This

2006-02-15T12:11:00.000-07:00

Have you guys seen this ridiculous daily comic "Pluggers"? What the hell is a plugger? To me, it looks like a daily living guide for trailer park trash. Having read the comic out of curiosity, my best guess is that to be a plugger you must: 1) Be poor (or cheap), 2) Be fat, 3) Reside in the boondocks, 4) Be stupid, 5) Have a pickup truck, 6) Have a hideous looking wife. No wonder The Tribune publishes it - I just described the average Great Falls resident. No way is this shit funny, but I guess the average Nascar fan can relate to it. Notice where it's published and where the ideas come from: hick states. No one from New York or California is submitting ideas for this garbage. Those people are too busy smoking weed and protesting the President to be a plugger.

That's f$cking stupid.

Better Than Gold's Gym

2006-02-12T22:47:00.000-07:00

Man, if I had the money I'd build a gym in my basement. I'd only need a spot rack, an adjustable bench, a barbell, some weights, dumbells, and I could do all of my workouts. A high end treadmill would be nice too. I'd hook up some surround sound and blast hardcore music to pump me up. Maybe put a flat screen on the wall to keep up with the games. Yea, that would be the ultimate. I tell you, I'm fed up with going to gyms. They play gay pop music on the radio, and the muscle heads, don't even get me started on these guys. Let me lay down a few rules of gym etiquette: 1) No loud grunts. Making a little noise to get out that last rep is fine, but there's no need to yell at the top of your lungs. 2) Use one machine at a time. You don't have to occupy 5 different stations at once. And your jacket doesn't need a bench of its own. 3) De-rack your weights when you're done. Just because you're big and cool doesn't mean that I have to unload your weights. 4) Stop staring at your triceps in the mirror. The mirrors are to check form, not admire your vain self. 5) Kelly Clarkson should NEVER be played on the radio. Those are just a few of the rules, and several of the reasons why I need a gym in my house.

One of these to get me water would be nice too.

We're Rockstars, Bitches

2006-02-05T14:58:00.000-07:00

I think it's a rule that once you sign your first pair of tits, you're a rockstar. I checked the regs and this even applies in Great Falls. Well, select members of my band Enceladus accomplished just that Thursday night at our show at Machinery Row. I still don't know how or why that happened, but it did. So if you're a female fan, don't even expect me to talk to you unless you plan on taking off your shirt. And guy fans? Take a hike. We own Great Falls. I'm a rockstar bitch, and I'm better than you.

Who's next?

Another One Down

2006-02-01T12:46:00.000-07:00

Damn. There are not many good bands left. Word just came out that E Town Concrete will play its last show in May. These guys will go down as one of my all time favorite bands. For 10 years, they paid their dues, "matter of fact, they overpaid," accumulating a strong following in the Northeast (especially Jersey), but never quite getting their big break. They persevered on as they watched their peers, friends, and other less talented pieces of shit get record deals and strike it rich. Yea, they had a rap element to their music, which didn't set right with the hardcore kids and was too heavy for the rap kids. I blame Fred Durst for ruining rap-metal, and essentially E-Town's chance of making it big. I remember when I got their debut CD, "Time 2 $hine," sophomore year of college. I loved it. It was my anthem, my strength that got me through some tough classes and kept me from beating on the Chinese. I think I've seen E Town in concert 7 times, from crazy shows at the Hanover House, to Toad's Place, to the Webster Theatre, to the Worcester Palladium, to fantasy camp at Fat Cat's. And I'm still kicking myself for not going to their show in Bozeman in 2003. I had the opportunity to hang out with the band a couple of times, which I've always treasured. It's something special when you can say "Thanks" to a band you truly admire. We'll miss ya, E Town. It's too bad you didn't make it. But you inspired a lot of bands and a lot of people, and your influence will live on.

I punch the walls when I think about ETC breaking up.

Time Flies

2006-01-29T11:31:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's been 20 years since the Challenger exploded. Man, am I getting old. I can still remember the day that it happened. It's funny how insignificant daily activities become seared in your memory when associated with a major, often catastrophic event. I was in the 3rd grade, and for some reason, we didn't watch the shuttle liftoff that day. Which was unusual, because in those early days of the space shuttle, class was often pleasantly interrupted as they wheeled a television in to watch the event. Instead, I found out about it on the ride home. Anthony's mom was driving the car pool that day. I was in the back seat of the blue station wagon, and we were heading down the hill on Wooden street, approaching Brookside, when she told us the news. She was surprised that we hadn't already known. Weird. I can't remember details of yesterday as clearly as that.

A chilling image in American history.

Is That the Paperboy?

2006-01-25T11:40:00.000-07:00

In Great Falls, many women look more like men than some men do. Such was the case Saturday night at the Loading Zone. As my band was playing on stage, we had one fan who was rocking out hard up front. He looked a little young to be in the bar, but whatever. So my bass player Jared asks this gent what his name is, and he replies "Alton." Jared entices the crowd to come up front and get excited like this guy. At that moment, Alton replies, "I'm a girl," and tries to lift up her shirt to prove it. Turns out Alton's name was really Autumn, and looking like a guy was her goal. You don't find many folks living the alternative lifestyle in Great Falls, but here was one. Thanks for the support, Autumn. Next time Jared will get it right.

Why here's a local lady dancing at the Loading Zone!

What's That Smell?

2006-01-22T16:15:00.000-07:00

Only in Montana can a lady lie dead in her house for 9 months before being discovered. But that's not the worst of it. Her husband's dead body was also found in the house. But he died in 1997!! You mean to tell me this woman lived in the house for 8 YEARS with a dead, decomposing body? Was the cat snacking on him, or did she just use him a coat rack? And how did they discover he died in 1997? Carbon dating? That's disgusting. I know Montana has some small towns and reclusive people, but how do dead bodies lie around for that long? What did the neighbors think when the mail piled up and the grass grew 4 feet high? And the funniest thing is the County Sheriff said "there's nothing suspicious." What? I'd be suspicious of your town's law enforcement.

Yea but this is 2006.

In The Water, I'm a Very Skinny Lady

2006-01-15T12:30:00.000-07:00

Well I thought she died 34 years ago when she cleared the way for the preacher, then had a heart attack, and went down with the Poseidon. But it turns out Shelly Winters actually died yesterday at 85 years old. Once again, I reiterate that one of her most famous movies, The Poseidon Adventure, is still the greatest movie ever made. Raise your glasses tonight, break into the chorus of "Morning After," and remember one lady's great contribution to a classic film. Rest in peace, Mrs. Rosen.

"Manny, what's happening, Manny?!?"

Miss Montana to Miss America? Fuggetaboudit!

2006-01-11T12:11:00.000-07:00

No wonder there's no pageant contestants from Montana taking home the crown. Look what we're submitting for Miss Rodeo. What the hell is that? Is that a boy, a girl, or a horse's ass? I'm sorry, I understand it's Miss Rodeo and all, but come on. There's got to be something resembling a female in this state. I'd hate to see our Miss America candidate. Since 1921 there has never been a Miss Montana crowned Miss America. And I'll bet the ranch that tradition continues for a long time to come. Gross.

"Instead of an evening gown, Miss Montana will be donning a saddle."

Playing With Fire

2006-01-04T12:49:00.000-07:00

It was on the news last weekend that there was small fire at The Golden Corral restaurant in Great Falls. It appears that the outside fire was started when a person threw a cigarette into another pile of cigarettes, which caught fire. Authorities are looking for clues on a suspect. I can give you a clue -- it's that chain smoking slob Dave! Come on, it makes a lot of sense: Smoker + customer at an all you can eat buffet. Narrowing down the choices, it's got to be him. The only other possibilities are Jackie Gleason and John Candy, and they're dead. I'm sure the police could have found Dave inside the joint. He was probably only taking a smoke break in between runs through the dessert line.

But you will run for the toilet.

The Tour Continues

2006-01-01T10:51:00.000-07:00

I headed out of town for Christmas, but no, not to visit family. I'm not that nice. Instead I went to warmer weather and visited Phoenix for 4 days. Since my alma mater, Rutgers, was playing in their first bowl game in 27 years, and it was in a warm city, I decided to go. From drinking vodka and cokes at noon, to the pep rally, to the tailgate party, to the game, to bars in Scotsdale and Tempe, it was a jolly good time. I met some new friends, saw some old ones I hadn't seen in years, and reconnected with my Joisey days. Rutgers lost, but played a good game, and that in itself is a victory. Any downsides? Well a few of the locals I met were kind of assholes. They ain't no Canadians, that's for sure!

RU RU Rutgers Rah!

Welcome to a Real Team

2005-12-21T10:55:00.000-07:00

Could we still compete without Johnny Damon? Of course. Does it make the Yanks better? You betcha. But the best part about stealing Damon away from the Red Sox is the heartache and misery it inflicted on their fans. I've always said a Red Sox loss was as good as a Yankee win, and in this case we got both. This is not the first time the Bronx Bombers have stolen away a Red Sox player. Has anyone heard of Babe Ruth? But did you ever notice that players don't move in the opposite direction? That's because once a Yankee, always a Yankee. The pinstripes become a part of you like your own skin. And true Yankees can't sell out their organization, their fans, and their pride by defecting to the rival. That's why the Red Sox can't touch the Yanks when it comes to greatness. Johnny, welcome to New York. You'll look good in pinstripes, with a haircut and a shave, of course.

If you've got one of these, you can wipe your ass with it now.

Big Sky Resort

2005-12-18T15:42:00.000-07:00

I continued my biweekly "Get The Hell Outta Great Falls Tour" last weekend by heading south to Big Sky Ski Resort. I had been there once before 2 years ago, but I was a beginning snowboarder then so I didn't get to experience the mountain to the extent that I did this time. It was a great time, with good boarding, good friends, good food, and maybe most importantly, good drinking. And all for a very reasonable price. I imbibed a little too much on Saturday night, but once I woke up, popped 400mg of Advil, hit the phenomenal breakfast buffet, then headed out into that fresh mountain air, I was as good as new. I went to the bowl, but chickened out and didn't go to the lone peak. Maybe next time. If things go as planned, there will be another stop on the tour next week.

That is one tall bitch.

Remembering Dime

2005-12-14T11:56:00.000-07:00

One year ago this week, some crazed, cowardly piece of shit decided to storm a stage in Ohio and take down possibly the greatest metal guitarist ever. "Dimebag" Darrell Abbott, famed former Pantera axe man, was shot and killed while doing what he loved with his new band, Damage Plan. While never having met the man, everything I've heard speaks nothing but great things of him. This was a guy who loved music, loved to party, and didn't have an enemy in the world. I consider myself fortunate to have seen Pantera in concert 5 times, and they were awesome each time. Pantera's music and Dime's riffs were musical influences for me and motivation that helped me through college. Thanks, Dime. R.I.P.

Down a few cold ones for Dimebag this weekend.

Go Play Outside!

2005-12-07T12:03:00.000-07:00

I recently read an article in the local paper about "gamers," these dorks that play video games online for ridiculous amounts of time each day. I was floored to read that some of these tools play for 14+ hours a day. Are you kidding me? How can anyone be that unproductive in a single day? And the pictures were priceless as well. One fat bastard had no neck, 30 chins, and looked like he couldn't even get out of his chair without assistance. No wonder America is full of fat slobs. I'll see you pricks in the pharmacy in a couple years when you all have diabetes and heart failure.

My what strong thumbs you have!

You're A MySpace Whore

2005-12-04T13:32:00.000-07:00

You know, MySpace is a pretty cool site to meet some people and network and get the word out about my band. But there are way too many people who try to use it as a free dating service. They fancy up their page with so many colors you can't even read it, then they stock their picture section with glamour shots that make even the disgusting look do-able. And to top it off, the site is filled with meat heads and cockblockers. I mean if you look at some of the comments on the girls' pages, it's all dudes kissing ass trying to get laid. I'm thinking of posing as a hot chick to lead guys along, agree to meet them, then stuff a hot fire poker up their asses. I'll take some pictures.

Pop that collar so you can be a real faggot.

It's Official: I'm Defecting

2005-11-30T11:11:00.000-07:00

Those of you that keep up with this bullshit blog are familiar with my fondness of Canada. Last weekend I blew off another fat bastard American holiday and the following day of insane greediness at the malls and headed north. Well now that I've returned, I've decided to move there. I'm going to place my resume on Monster and start looking for work in Calgary. I don't care if I have to bus tables or shine shoes. Calgary is a very clean, culturally diverse city filled with nice people and gorgeous women. I think they exile all the fat, ugly girls to Butte and Great Falls because I didn't see one the whole trip. And I don't just mean nice looking, I mean cover girl material up there. People bust on Canada but I like the fact that they are a laid back nation that just lives and enjoys life. There are no terrorists trying to attack them because they're not out all over the world starting shit. Get a bed ready for me because here I come!

Welcome to the Promised Land.

What a Joke

2005-11-23T11:56:00.000-07:00

Did anyone see that mockery of the greatest movie ever made, “The Poseidon Adventure,” that was on NBC Sunday night? There’s no way to improve on perfection, so I don’t know why they even tried to remake this classic. It was supposed to be The Poseidon Adventure with a modern twist, complete with terrorists, gunfights, extramarital affairs, and improved special effects. All I saw was a foolish movie filled with terrible acting and poor story lines. They reused some scenes and plots from the original, but their production was so bad that they were insignificant. One example was when Mrs Rosen died after making the underwater swim. Well, she didn’t clear the way for anyone, and Manny had died years ago. So who fucking cares? Some character names remained the same, but their development was terrible, and I felt no connection to them whatsoever. When one of them died, I couldn’t give a shit. NBC, don’t ever do anything like this again, you morons.

How gay.

The Big Guy's Back

2005-11-20T15:08:00.000-07:00

My friend sent me a link to Mike Caracciolo's website. His thick New York accent and profanity-laden rants bring back fond memories of my time in the Northeast. You don't find too many guys in Montana who talk like he does with his point of view. Check him out, especially the video entitled "Bat Day." You may think he's an ignorant fool, but he's one funny paisan.

Don't f$ck with fat Italian dudes.

Lost In Austin

2005-11-16T21:16:00.000-07:00

Having recently returned from a visit to Texas, I have a few observations about your state:

1) God, it's ugly. It's the biggest state in the continental U.S., and every place I've been to looks exactly the same. Flat, desert-like shit.
2) Does everybody in Austin need to wear a Texas Longhorn shirt? Is that so if you get lost I can put you in a mailbox and you will be returned home? I think it's a given that if you're in Austin, then you're a UT fan. No need to announce that fact.
3) 6th Street was fun, but I think it's oversaturated with bars. Some were completely empty. That's not cool.
4) I've heard a lot about the fine women in Texas. Well, where the hell were you? I mean the ladies I saw were hot, but they were outnumbered by dudes by at least 10 to 1. Picture Jersey, only replace the meatheads with cowboys.
5) Appreciate the music scene. There are some kick ass bands rocking the bars, and you guys sat there like it was a jukebox. Show the bands some respect and at least clap.

I'll have to give Austin an incomplete grade for the time being. I didn't spend enough time there to fully evaluate it. But right now it's headed for a C+.

At night this turns to a stew, complete with comboys, piss, and beer.

Scooby Doo Wins Mayoral Race!

2005-11-09T17:50:00.000-07:00

In a surprising turn of events, famed cartoon hero Scooby Doo defeated incumbent Randy Gray and challenger Dona Stebbins in a close race for Great Falls mayor. Scooby learned of his victory late last night while gathered with friends and supporters at the Loading Zone. Said Scooby "I'm weally wexcited wo wurn Wreat Walls waround." John Bullzine, a Great Falls voter, said he voted for Scooby because "it's about time we have a modern, educated leader in this town. He's more charismatic and well spoken than the other candidates. Plus the others are way too ugly." Scooby is expected to get right to work in order to make Great Falls a great place to live. His first orders of business are to ban mullets and flannel shirts, eliminate the casinos, promote literacy in our schools, and legalize public defecation. It should be a great couple of years!

So which one is the dog again?

Club Cigar Smoke

2005-11-06T14:57:00.000-07:00

My band rocked the Club Cigar last night, the oldest tavern in Great Falls. It also seemed like the smokiest, so its name is quite appropriate. We were a little apprehensive about the show, since most of our fan base was taking it in the shorts by their "employer." But it actually turned out to be a great show. A lot of locals came out, and we made a bunch of new fans. Many of our friends also came down, although not as many as usual, and they definitely couldn't get as crazy as they normally would. Somebody had a little bit too much fun however, as you can see by the sink in the men's room. If you missed the show, you can catch us Friday, November 11th at Bert n Ernie's for an all ages early show beginning at 7pm.

I'm not sure if this was the result of our music or too many beers.

The World Is Coming to End

2005-11-02T20:45:00.000-07:00

I firmly believe that the end is near. Between manmade turmoil and nature's unrest, ultimate disaster is imminent. Think about it. Earthquakes, tsunamis, hurricanes - all striking with a wrath never seen before. Wars, terror attacks, and nuclear weapon accumulation are adding fuel to the fire. I think next to go is Yellowstone. That simmering firepot is going to blow a hole in the Northwest. So my advice is this: Live for today, stock some food and water, get a gun and know how use it, and get ready for the Armageddon. Don't worry though, the world will never truly come to an end. Life will find a way. It just won't be human life.

Most of you will probably be boiled alive.

What's Worse Than A DUI?

2005-10-30T11:35:00.000-07:00

Driving under the influence is a serious offense, and shouldn't be taken lightly. But I've seen some other driving that warrants just as much attention, and adequate punishment. The first is DWE - Driving While Elderly. There are more old farts driving around these days in their big ol' cadillacs who don't have a clue what's going on around them. They can barely see above the steering wheel, they can't hear, and they see with blinders on. They drive in their own little world at a blazing 12 mph. I've had many more dangerous encounters with DWEs than drunk drivers. The other offensive driver is DWO - Driving While Oriental. These people have all their senses intact, but they have no clue how to drive. Left hand turns from right lanes, ignoring pedestrians in the crosswalk, and their ability to maneuver is close to zero. I love the sign they put in the window: "New Driver." No shit. Keep a look out for these dangerous drivers, and report them to the proper authorities. We need to get the geriatric and the Chinese off the roads.

"Keep my eyes on the what?"

What's Up With Tip Jars?

2005-10-26T23:06:00.000-06:00

My new pet peeve is tip jars. Why does everybody working somewhere need to be tipped? I understand if it's someone who makes minimum wage and works for tips, like waitresses, valets, and strippers, but I saw one at the liquor store the other day. It's your job to ring up that bottle of Crown Royal! I'm not going to tip you. And I saw a tip jar in front of a band. Come on. This band was getting paid upwards of $300. You don't need tips. Another guy had a tip jar at a concert merch table. It said "Tip us. Help us eat." The guy at the table was a fat bastard. Obviously he's not starving. Plus, I think that the fact that he raped me on a $25 t-shirt is good enough. I'm going to get a bunch of those fake $5 bills and leave them in the tip jars. On the inside I'm going to write "Here's your tip: Blow me!" Who wants a batch?

Now that's a dollar well spent.

Playoff Diary: Week 3

2005-10-23T11:31:00.000-06:00

Even though the Yanks are eliminated, I've still be keeping up with the playoffs. I like to watch the games, I just don't rearrange my schedule around them like if the Yankees were in it. I saw an amazing moment on Monday when the Cardinals escaped death as Albert Pujols hit an absolute bomb to win the game. Alas, it only delayed their elimination, as the Astros finished them off 2 days later in St Louis. So the two teams I was rooting for made it to the Series: The Astros and White Sox. It should be a great series, since both teams are stacked with pitching, and I love pitching. Plus it's Houston's first time there, and Chicago's first time since 1959. I've always been an American League guy (exceptions: 1986 and 2004 - guess why...) so I'm going for the White Sox.

Last time the Sox won a World Series, Shoeless Joe Jackson was their star and Woodrow Wilson was president.

Don't Call Her Watermelon

2005-10-19T12:55:00.000-06:00

Wow, two weekends in a row out of Great Falls - what a morale booster! I spent 3 days in Missoula with 5 other buddies, and as you can imagine, the main event was partying. We watched sports, drank good beer, and looked at pretty girls. The funniest moment occurred in a bar when my friend Scott kept calling a girl "watermelon" (based on her pink and green shirt), which offended both the girl and her fiance. Next thing I know, the fiance has got Scott by the throat and has him up against the wall. I knew it wasn't too serious because Scott still had a smile on his face while he was getting choked out. Needless to say, he was booted out of the bar, but that one's still a mystery. We'll be back soon, and hopefully Scott can keep his mouth shut and us out of trouble.

The Iron Horse - One of the fine watering holes in M-town

Playoff Diary: Week 2

2005-10-16T19:35:00.000-06:00

Well it's been a week since the Yanks were eliminated, and I am a little more at peace with myself today. The series was frustrating to say the least, and the way the Yankees played, they deserved to lose. Poor defense, no clutch hits, and the pitchers didn't come through. The Big Unit didn't do what he was acquired to do, and I've had about enough of Mussina. That guy hasn't won a big game since we got him. ARod's a great player, but he's got a lot to prove in the postseason before he becomes complete. Jeter's the only true champion on the team, and they need more players like him. Sheff and Matsui get mediocre marks; although they didn't quite choke, they didn't play up to their capabilities. Let's make some changes, shore up the team, and come back fighting next year. As for the current situation, I'm pulling for the White Sox (I'm starting to hate the Angels) and the Astros (they have former Yanks, guys from Connecticut, and I hate the Cardinals ever since they didn't show up in the World Series last year against the Red Sox).

Stottlemyre's gone. Is this guy next? Maybe we need Piniella to fire things up.

Tales From Bozeman

2005-10-12T11:33:00.000-06:00

I took the long Columbus Day weekend to get the hell outta Great Falls and refresh myself with some quality entertainment: music and drinking. My buddy and I hit up the "Blackest of the Black" tour, featuring Chimaira and Danzig. Chimaira was good; a little for harsh for me, but they tore it up. Danzig sounded great, although I'm not a big fan of them. The only song I know is "Mother," and we left before they played that one. Then we hit up The Rocking R bar, which was jam packed with people and featured a sweet cover band called "The Ed Band." Hot chick singer who could belt. It was good to go in an establishment where the average age was under 40, and the chicks outnumbered the mullets. I'll be back there again. But next week, it's off to Missoula. We'll see what kind of stories emerge from there.

Chimaira is allowed to look bad ass when they rip like they do.

Playoff Diary: Week 1

2005-10-09T17:47:00.000-06:00

Well, this postseason has already been a victory of sorts so far - The Red Sox are gone! Swept in 3 games by the White Sox, there will be no repeat this year for the Sox. I loved the looks on the fans' faces when their team lost. The "I can't believe it" look. Well listen up shitbags, you guys were spoiled last year. Get ready for another 86 years of disappointments. This drought was even started with a new curse, as a routine grounder went through Tony Graffanino's legs, ala Bill Buckner, opening the gates to a Red Sox loss in Game 2. The Yanks are still playing, although down 2 games to 1 as we speak. They better get their heads out of their asses if they want to take this series and move on. If I can't root against the Red Sox anymore, I need to root for the Yanks. Let's go!

Robby Cano, Game 1 hero.

Something To Warm You Up

2005-10-05T21:01:00.000-06:00

The weather in Montana has turned towards winter, with snowflakes falling for the first time yesterday. In order to remind you that summer is only 10 months away, and because I haven't posted a picture of a hot girl in a while, enjoy the scenery below. Plus I had to eliminate that nauseating image of Big Poppi from my head. And since I had nothing important to say today, let's just look at this.

Uh...What was I saying?

One Step Closer to Civilization

2005-10-02T15:14:00.000-06:00

Only in Montana can the headline below make the front page and not get a second look. To me, it says that until now, drinking while you drive was legal. Nice. No wonder Montana is the worst state in the nation regarding drunk driving incidents. But it actually means that as of October 1st, the open container law finally takes effect in this state. Now the hunters, hikers, snowmobilers, etc can't pop a cold one on the long ride home. I think this is a good law. While it was never legal for the driver to be boozing it up, with the passengers drinking, it was pretty easy for the driver to take a few sips. Hopefully it will make the roads safer. This new law doesn't bother me: I can't drink in the car anyway or I'd be peeing every 5 minutes.

At least you can still drive and drop acid.

Thirsty Thursday Club Tops 50!

2005-09-28T11:51:00.000-06:00

One of the most fun events in Great Falls is attending White Sox games, the local rookie ball affiliate of the big club in Chicago. Every Thursday home game, beers are only $1 for the first 4 innings. We have assembled a little club that attends these games, loads up on beers, sits in the front row, gets drunk, and heckles the shit out of these young professionals. While most of these kids were playing high school or college last year, now they are pro and subject to harassment. Some may call it mean, but I just look at it as preparation for the higher leagues. I mean, if they can't handle 6 drunks in Great Falls, how the hell are they gonna handle the big leagues, where 50,000 fans insult their mothers and throw batteries at them? The last Thursday of the season was a milestone, as "the club" consumed 55 beers en route to another Great Falls loss. That equals $55, not a bad deal. Fear not, our heckling is family friendly (no obsenities), but it still has these guys crying for their mommies. I swear I saw a couple of them waiting for us after the game by the team bus. YOU STILL SUCK!

A view of our seats, where beers go down faster than the Great Falls hitters.

Big Sloppy

2005-09-25T09:40:00.000-06:00

I hate that fat bastard David Ortiz. He's gets his share of clutch hits, I'll give him that, but no way should he be MVP. ARods numbers are just as good, he has just as many game winning RBIs, and he makes significant contributions in the field. No doubt about it, ARod should be MVP. Besides, how could anyone who is the love child of Aunt Jemima and the Cookie Monster (my boy Shane came up with that one) win anything other than a bake off?

That's one ugly family.

Down the Stretch They Come

2005-09-21T18:19:00.000-06:00

Mlb.tv to me is like pie to David MSC. I just can't get enough. For 15 bucks I subscribed to the last month of the baseball season. Now I can stream every Major League baseball game live to my computer. You can even pause games and continue them where you left off. All the big games as the pennant race heats up. And this is especially important to me since the Yanks are right in the thick of it. A half game behind the Red Sox in the division and the Indians in the wild card race as we speak. Watching the games has consumed me, robbing me of other important activities such as exercising, homework, eating, sleeping, etc. But those things aren't important this time of year.

I'll take a homer, but give the donut to Dave.

Bert is Behind The Chaos

2005-09-18T11:11:00.000-06:00

I'm sick of people blaming Bush, Bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, or Britney Spears for messing up the globe. Research has shown that the man behind most of the suffering today is none other than Bert. He has collaborated with numerous figures to have his hand in some of the most infamous incidents in history. He has been an advisor to Hitler and Bin Laden, and helped make sure the Kennedy assasination went down without a hitch. He's even done some really mean things to Ernie. We need to stop going after the wrong people here, and find and kill Bert. Until we do, the world will continue to exist in turmoil.

"We have matching eyebrows."

Let's Just Call It "Brews and Brews"

2005-09-14T21:17:00.000-06:00

I had the pleasure of attending the "Blues and Brews" festival in Great Falls last week. This annual event combines blues music and great beer to raise money for the River's Edge trail down by the Missouri. I like to socialize, but my main mission here is to drink. Tons of great microbrews, and well, I need to try them all. Several times each. I wouldn't know if Elvis was on stage, or a hobo playing the spoons. The music is not my thing. And the $18 cover charge keeps the plentiful Great Falls rif raff away, so the atmosphere is fairly civil. You can actually see some females that well, look like females.

Once I found a beer I liked, I drank a lot of it. Fast.

The White Stripes Suck Dick

2005-09-11T10:43:00.000-06:00

I cannot understand how this band gets radioplay, wins awards, and has fans. They have to be the worst band I have ever heard. Two no talent albinos, shitting out songs that make projectile vomiting sound like fun. Absolutely terrible. That's some skilled drumming too that bitch produces with her 2 piece drum set. Wow. Just goes to show you the warped sense of the commercial music world.

Nice fucking outfits. Idiots.

Rutgers Does It Again

2005-09-07T11:40:00.000-06:00

Being a Rutgers fan has got to be the most frustrating occupation known to man. Now I know what Red Sox fans have felt for the last 86 years. When we're not getting our ass kicked, we are playing well and looking good...that is until we find a way to blow it in the end. And the football team upheld that tradition last week, running all over the University of Illinois for 3 quarters of the game, leading 27-7. Well, Rutgers started playing like crap, blew the lead, and lost in overtime. I have been dealing with shit like this ever since I was a freshman at RU in 1995. And the tradition continues.

Rutgers fans celebrate a rare first down.

Drop the Bomb on New Orleans

2005-09-04T10:27:00.000-06:00

You know, a small part of "da bum" is feeling a pang of sympathy for the people suffering from the aftermath of the hurricane. But that's only a very small part. You want help? Stop looting electronics stores, shooting at police officers, and raping people. Pull together in a time of crisis and help out your fellow man. Stop yelling at the government trying to help you and bringing racial issues into the mix. The U.S. has never dealt with a catastrophe like this. Help is coming. Or better yet, lets launch some B1 Bombers and blow the place to hell. The city is a dump anyway. I can say one thing: There may be a food shortage now, but there certainly wasn't before the hurricane. There are some fat bastards down there. But at least I got to go to Mardi Gras before the city was destroyed.

"Will Show Tits for Food." Oops, too late.

This Pfag's not Pfunny

2005-08-31T21:10:00.000-06:00

Anybody lucky enough to read the Great Falls tribune on a daily basis gets treated to a nifty little column called "Pfeiffer's Pfacts." The cross-eyed weather goof from Channel 3 prints 5 or 6 of the most useless tidbits known to man. Where he comes up with this shit, I have no idea. He should spend some time formulating an accurate weather report for a change, instead of surfing the internet for insignificant facts in between visits to kiddy porn sites. One fact from Tuesday's paper: "It is not uncommon for clowns to avoid the use of blue face paint. Many of those in the clown business consider the color bad luck." Oh, that's good to know the next time I dress up as a damn clown. Think of the dirty looks I would have gotten from the clown "experts." Thanks Pfred, for saving me from a lot of embarrassment!

"I'm watching you. Or am I?"

The Pharmaceutical Industry is the Devil

2005-08-28T19:11:00.000-06:00

Man, I hate drug companies. I suppose they keep me employed, but they're ruining our society. First off, they're out to appear like they really care about your health. Bullshit. They're out to make money like every other company. Their goal is to develop drugs that will a) prolong life, and b) need to be taken for life in order to prolong it. If you lived like shit for 40 years and have a heart attack, then that's your fate. Live (or I guess I should say die) with it. Then the drug companies feed you lies to convince you that their $1 drug is better than the old tried and true 1 cent drug, when it's not. Don't get me wrong, not all drugs are bad. But here's a list of conditions that we should stop wasting money trying to cure: 1) AIDS, 2) Lung Cancer, 3) Type II Diabetes. Can you think of any others who we should just let die and save some money?

Caution: Useless Old Fart Crossing

Lewis and Clark Pissed Here

2005-08-24T18:06:00.000-06:00

Enough with the Lewis and Clark shit already. I know, I know, it's the bicentennial and all, but come on now. Everybody's trying to make a buck off this crap. Lewis and Clark HATED Great Falls. You don't see the city bragging about that. If you could bring them back from the dead they would set this place on fire. What was supposed to be a one day portage around the falls turned into 18 long, hot, miserable days pulling baggage through prickly pear bushes, cutting their feet to shreds. And by the time they got to the mountains it was snowing, and the delay in Great Falls almost killed them all. Thanks Great Falls, for almost ruining American history.

"Those falls ain't so fucking great. Let's get the hell out of here." - It applies today as it did 200 years ago.

News Flash: Randy Moss Smokes Dope

2005-08-21T10:20:00.000-06:00

Who the hell was surprised by this revelation? The media's making a big deal out of it, but you mean to tell me that you couldn't figure out that Randy Moss smokes pot? I mean look at the guy. He says something retarded every week, he fake moons the fans, squirts water at refs, among countless other antics. Who cares? He got high and nobody died. I'll bet he probably hit the bong at halftime once or twice. My only question is how does he stay so skinny, what with the munchies and all?

"Damn I'm high. Look at my eyes, man."

Watch Some MTV, Montana

2005-08-17T13:40:00.000-06:00

Montanians have no idea how to behave at a rock concert. I'm ashamed to admit I went to the Hoobastank concert at the State Fair last week. Not something I'd do under normal circumstances, but I was hitting some serious show withdrawal. The kids at the show made some noise, were real adept at making the devil horn sign, and occassionally jumped up and down. How about a mosh pit? Hoobastank has got some heavy songs. Well my Rutgers friend and I had had enough of this shit, so when their first hit "Crawling in the Dark" kicked off, we pushed our way up front and opened it up. At first we got some crazy looks, but then the fags cleared out and the moshers moved in. It got pretty rough, but the kids had no idea about mosh pit etiquette. I picked up 3 or 4 people off the floor and broke up a fight. It's supposed to be mayhem, but friendly. Remember, we're all in this for the music. I think we did a good job: the singer gave us some props, and we were congratulated by other fans as we made our exit. We may have started something here. There may be hope for salvation.

Now this is a show. Diecast at the Hanover House in CT in 2002.

Hey, We Just Hired Your Dad

2005-08-14T16:12:00.000-06:00

Why do some companies insist on putting a big announcement in the paper when they hire someone? The Great Falls clinic is notorious for that. I'm kept informed of their entire new staff, which is a good thing because I was really concerned about who was filing records down there. Who cares? I don't give a crap who joined your practice and is ready to start raping patients. Spend some money on healthcare and stop wasting it on useless advertising.

Cleaning your poop with a smile.

I'm About to Killswitch Something

2005-08-10T18:06:00.000-06:00

So the first good hardcore show comes to Montana, in like, well, ever. Killswitch Engage, As I Lay Dying, and Soilwork are rocking Missoula tonight in an Ozzfest off-date show. Well, what do you know, circumstances at work prevent me from attending. This is bad for several reasons: 1) I'm show deprived and really need to see a good one, 2) I've never seen KsE, and they are one of my favorite bands, and 3) We need to support events like this so similar ones will return to our state. NOBODY plays Montana. And now that X107.3 is SAM (Shitty, Awful Music), there will be little publicity for this show, and probably poor attendance. That won't help the cause. If you're reading this message, get your ass to the Wilma Theatre. NOW!

Stop Being a Pussy

2005-08-07T11:01:00.000-06:00

I'll usually come to the defense of a baseball player, but no doubt about it, Manny Ramirez is a pussy. After a collision with Edgar Renteria in the outfield (I'd call it more of a glancing blow with a 145lb shortstop), this bitch was on lying on the ground for 20 minutes like he'd just been shot. (But considering his background, he probably knows what that feels like too.) Then he's got this tampon sticking out of his nose to soak up "all" that blood. Baseball players already have a reputation for being wimps, stop encouraging them. This guy would be on the disabled list if he stubbed his toe getting out of the shower. Grow a pair, Manny.

Doctors plugged Manny's nose in an attempt to stop any remaining brain from leaking out.

Wantid: A Editer That Can Reed

2005-08-03T12:54:00.000-06:00

The image below was an actual clipping taken from the Great Falls Tribune sports section on Tuesday, August 2, 2005. Now I have dogged on this newpaper for its frequent mispellings and errors, but this one takes the cake. How does 1) a writer type this headline, and 2) an editor miss this? Buried deep in an article is one thing, but a headline? And this is a major newspaper in Montana. Hmm, well either the Orioles just swept themselves, or they have expanded the major leagues and there are now two teams called the Orioles. Nice job guys.

The Orioles will look to rebound this weekend against the Orioles.

Oh Canada

2005-07-31T20:33:00.000-06:00

Despite the fact that hockey is their favorite sport, Canada is still the shit. The cities are clean, the people are nice, and the women are freaking gorgeous. And I love the way they say "I'm soorry." America should take a page out of Canada's book: just mind their own business and live. And stop eating so much. You don't see too many fat people in Canada. And there are no meatheads up there either, which makes going out much more enjoyable. Actually there are a lot of Ebeneizer McDoogles (see a prior post), but these guys are tolerable. It's just annoying at how they can score hot chicks. If Canada would just adopt baseball as their national pastime, I'd be packing my bags and heading north.

This is Nada, one of the ladies that was on my jock while I was in Calgary.

Blogs Out the Ass

2005-07-27T13:29:00.000-06:00

Geez, everybody's got a freakin' blog these days. How do you guys keep up with everyone's posts? It must take all day to read them. I'll admit, I read very few blogs. Most bore the shit out of me, including my own. I don't link any blogs on my site because I don't want to offend anyone by omitting them, and I don't want a link in your blog in return. Frankly, I don't give a crap who reads my posts. I enjoy posting twice a week; putting my emotions/thoughts/rants into words, and in a sense "curing" me of my own inner turmoil on the subject. There, it's posted, and off my chest. It's better than therapy. Or Prozac.

"Golly, this blog is SO exciting!"

Free Speech Rules

2005-07-24T10:34:00.000-06:00

Don't you love it how the same people who are trying to censor everything are the same assholes shoving their right wing Christian values down your throat? It's a two way street, bitches. Being offended by something is a subjective act; everyone has different morals, views, beliefs, etc. I could be offended by your Nike shirt if I work for Adidas, for example. Now there are things that are done in bad taste, like the t-shirts sold at Prickwear (see example below). But the First Amendment guarantees the right to wear and say things like this, and it's not going to change. If you don't like it, well turn the other way. For the record, I'm not a devil worshipper or a homophobe...I just admire the balls it takes to produce stuff like this, and the even bigger balls it takes to wear it.

Everybody hates fags, right?

We Ain't Done Yet, Bitches

2005-07-20T12:25:00.000-06:00

All you Yankee haters that pronounced us dead and buried...guess what? We right back in it, only 1/2 game out of first. After taking 3 of 4 from the Red Sux at Fenway over the weekend, the pennant race is on. We may have our problems, but we have the best owner in baseball, the best fans in the world, and the tradition to carry us through. We will be there in the end. Last Thursday's game was great, when the Sox brought in fat ass Curt Schilling to pitch the ninth in a tie game. The Fenway fans were going nuts for their hero. They shut up real fast when the slob threw a couple batting practice fastballs that Sheffield took off the wall and ARod took over Boston Harbor. Way to go, Curt! I guess that ankle isn't holding up so well. I hope you never walk again, bitch.

"I'll take a Big Mac with fries. And supersize it!"

And Then There Was Nothing

2005-07-17T10:39:00.000-06:00

If there was one good thing about Great Falls, it was the hard rock station The X, 107.3FM. In all the places I've been, this was probably the best commercial rock station that I've heard. They would play things that other stations wouldn't touch, like Hatebreed, Killswitch Engage, etc. Not to mention they were great supporters of the local music scene, including my own band(s). Well, imagine my disappointment when I woke up one day and found that The X had been replaced by SAM, some new fag station that plays songs from the 80s that I haven't heard since Reagan was in office. I swear the other day I heard Debbie Gibson. And they don't even have real DJs; it's run by some computer in a land faraway. So now we have 10 pussy stations and 0 rock stations in Great Falls. Man, this place just keeps getting better! Do me a favor, tell these numbnuts at Fisher Radio how retarded they are.

Lick a fat one, SAM.

I Found the Bastard!

2005-07-13T12:34:00.000-06:00

Well, you guys can stop looking now. I found the angry hippie from the previous post that I was looking for. Apparently, extensive drug use has aged him 50 years and caused him to twirl around in a pink dress with no shirt on while drooling on himself. If ever there was a reason not to do drugs, this is it.

Hey man, got any acid?

Have You Seen This Man?

2005-07-10T12:21:00.000-06:00

First off, I want to apologize for my lack of posts in the recent weeks. I know there are millions of readers out there who were disappointed. I'm sorry. But the reason for my absence is that I was busy hosting and entertaining the man below. This angry hippie is quite the character, but there were some good times. From violent beer pong games to wildlife encounters in Glacier Park to drunken sluts in Whitefish to heckling bad professional baseball players to good and bad music in Seattle, it was all fun. But now he has moved on, back to his smokey cardboard box in the East. If you see this fella on the streets, run the other way. He's nothing but trouble!

Holy crap it's Captain Caveman!

Sex Sells

2005-06-22T12:23:00.000-06:00

I recently put my band's profile on a cool website called MySpace. It's a great way to get our name out there and network. Well, I was a little disappointed with the number of hits our page was getting. So I replaced the band picture with the one below. No, it has nothing to do with our band, but it is attracting quite a bit of attention. Our hits doubled in just 3 days. I imagine people (probably mostly guys) are disappointed when they click on the link and find out it's just my gay band. But they're coming to our page nonetheless. Anybody have any suggestions as to what I should put up there to attract the ladies?

Damn.

Another Slow News Night in Montana...Again

2005-06-15T12:31:00.000-06:00

While the local news in most cities is an hour long in order to report on all the murders, robberies, and corrupt politicians (see Newark, NJ), the news here in Montana is a little different. They often struggle for hot news. The top story today was a car fire in which no one was injured. Seriously. In order to fill up the entire half-hour, the viewers are treated to a ridiculously long weather report. For twenty minutes we are forced to listen to the high and low temperatures, wind chills, forecasts, etc for EVERY CITY IN MONTANA, even if it has a population of 3 humans and few dozen horses. "Oh good, it's going to be 50 degrees in Podunk tomorrow. I know nobody has lived there since 1923, but that is good to know." I guess I shouldn't complain though. I could live in one of those cities that spends an hour reporting on murders, robberies, and corrupt politicians. But I wish the local news here would find something to report on besides an insanely redundant weather report.

Who the hell cares? Nobody lives in those towns anyway.

The Wallet Owl's a Hoot

2005-06-12T11:17:00.000-06:00

Have you seen this thing? It's a credit card looking object with a magnifying glass and a light. It's for all the old fogies who can't see shit anymore. As the commercial says, no more embarrassing yourself at the restaurant by fumbling with your reading glasses to see the menu. Just look like a friggin' tool when you take out this light-up decoder card that looks like it came out of a box of Cocoa Pepples. And you want $16.99 for this crap? All these damn retirees won't need the Wallet Owl to read this:
JUST DIE ALREADY!

When does it say I should take my Viagra?

Pauly Pops aka "Scarbony"

2005-06-08T21:52:00.000-06:00

I gotta give it up to my boy Pauly Pops. Granted, he's not going to solve the AIDS epidemic, but the man is talented. He can draw. He can rap. You'll hear his hot new single "Ho's In Da Club" on the radio real soon. And check out his Scarface painting below. There's a lot more equally impressive artwork where that came from. Remember this kid's name.

"I said no pickles!"

Dipping: The Way Real Men (and Women) Enjoy Tobacco

2005-06-05T10:59:00.000-06:00

With the areas that allow smoking quickly diminishing, and the habit itself becoming more of a social taboo, big tobacco is pushing the smokeless route. If you've seen the ads, they say things like "When you're team's smoking and you can't..." Now I think this is a great idea. While my chewing days are a thing of the past, I think it's way better than smoking. Here's why:

1) There's no such thing as secondary dip spit. Although other people have to watch you spit brown juices, they won't get cancer from it. You only harm yourself.
2) Lung function is not compromised with smokeless tobacco. No shortness of breath, no cough, no emphysema.
3) Baseball players chew.
4) It's part of Montana life.
5) No smoking signs do not apply. You can pack a fatty anywhere.
6) You can answer "No" with a clean conscience when your doctor asks you if you smoke.
7) While it's still not good for you, the incidence of mouth cancer in chewers is much less than the incidence of lung cancer in smokers.
8) It comes in some great flavors (wintergreen, mint, apple, berry, vanilla, and very soon, peach).
9) Chewing tobacco doesn't make your clothes stink.
10) You can dip and still keep both your hands free.

Now I'm not encouraging people to take up dipping. But if your a smoker who refuses to quit, I recommend making the switch. It's good for everyone involved. Plus it's cooler.

Now that's a fatty. Give him a big kiss.

Hitler Is My Hero

2005-06-01T12:11:00.000-06:00

Just kidding. But it has come to my attention that my last post, while entertaining, was a "typical blog post." Good God, no! If it comes to that I'm retreating faster than the Italian army. I will NOT become just another blogger. So to compensate, this post is just straight hate. Here's to all the hippies, fat slobs, lazy bums, extreme liberals, retired wastes of life, and Red Sox fans in the world: F$ck off!

"Put this in your pipe and smoke it, bitch."

The Poseidon Adventure is the Greatest Movie Ever Made

2005-05-29T10:11:00.000-06:00

I don't care what you say. You can't beat this movie. Released in 1972, it was the first great disaster movie, and still is the best disaster/escape movie to this day. It featured such stars as Leslie Neilson, Gene Hackman, Ernest Borgnine (from my hometown!), Shelley Winters, Red Buttons, Roddy McDowell, and Stella Stevens. The Poseidon Adventure was nominated for 9 Oscars and won 2. It is the only movie I have ever seen twice, and it still gives me chills every time I watch it. In fact, the quote on the previous post's picture is from this movie. Can you tell me who said it?

"Manny? What's happening? Manny!"

Time To Crap on Great Falls Again

2005-05-25T12:42:00.000-06:00

I just can't help it. I had the pleasure of going to Missoula last weekend, and let me tell you, it's like a breath of fresh air (literally, because you can't smoke in the bars). Visiting that town makes me almost believe that there are parts of Montana that are normal. Yea, it's kind of a hippy town, but I can look past that and see the good stuff. Here's a list of reasons why Missoula is better than Great Falls:

1) There's a real college there, which translates into education, culture, and COLLEGE GIRLS! It actually brings the average age to under 50.
2) It's prettier. It's nestled right in between some mountains, and the scenery is green, not puke brown. And the buildings are newer than 1940 and are not falling down.
3) THERE'S NO WIND! I friggin' hate wind.
4) You can meet people who a) have all their teeth, b) don't have a mullet, c) can speak in complete sentences, and d) are pleasant to look at (females, of course - I'm not like that).
5) When you go to a bar it doesn't feel like you walked into the Regal Beagle.
6) They have a Best Buy and an Outback.

Final Answer: Great Falls still sucks.

My God, there are other people still alive!

David MSC vs. Jaundiced Jaw

2005-05-22T14:42:00.000-06:00

These two heavyweights (and I do mean heavy you fat bastids) have been battling it out on various blogs for some time now. Well I'd like to see them settle this once and for all, in a no holds barred battle royal. Get these two in the ring, give them all the weapons fit for man, and let them go at it. It should be a bloodbath, but it'll be a good fight. Preliminary odds from Vegas have JJ as the 3:2 favorite. My money's on JJ for the knockout in the 5th round.

"Get your hand off my diaper!"

Star Wars is Stupid

2005-05-18T11:53:00.000-06:00

I don't even have to elaborate on this one. Just take one look at these movies and the idiots that obsess over them. How many of these friggin' things can they make? If you're at the movies tonight at 12:01am you're a loser. Besides, you can see real live Chewbaccas in Great Falls.

"Give me a flannel and I can be prom queen in Great Falls."

Wilderness Survival Skills

2005-05-15T10:03:00.000-06:00

What was this poor bastid thinking? "Oh, that bear is only 1200 pounds. I'm sure he got that big eating grass and berries." Well I hate to tell ya, but that wasn't Yogi Bear looking for a pickinic basket. That was a man-eating monster, who snacked on your leg and then went looking for some barbecue sauce. Wandering out in the woods unprepared is stupid. Man (weapons or not), is no match for a bear that big. Just goes to show you that we're not always at the top of the food chain.

"I'll Take A Drumstick"

The Yankees Are Good For Baseball

2005-05-11T18:36:00.000-06:00

I have a few words for all the Yankee haters out there: You need the Yankees. Here's why.

1) Contrary to popular belief, the Yankees don't buy championships. When they dominated in the late 90s, their team was compiled from homegrown players (Jeter, Bernie Williams, Pettitte, Posada, Rivera) and astute trades (Tino Martinez, Paul O'Neill, Scott Brosius). Ever since they have so-called been buying players, they haven't won shit.

2) When the Yankees are good, baseball's popularity increases. Even if your team sucks, you can still root against the Yanks. When the Yanks suck there's no fun in it for you. And I don't see your owners complaining when the Yankees come to town and your desolate stadium is suddenly filled.

3) Yes, the Yankees have a lot of good players that add up to a lot of money. But they're not the team resetting the market value for these guys. It was the Texas Rangers who paid ARod $250 million, then couldn't afford anybody else and sucked for several years. The Yankees have the resources to get ARod off the Rangers' hands, give them a good player in return (Soriano), and now look, the Rangers are contenders.

4) George Steinbrenner plays by the rules. He wants to win and he's willing to pay for it. He pays his $30 million luxury tax and doesn't complain. It's not our problem your owner doesn't care about your team and takes his share of the luxury tax and puts it in his pocket.

You can't argue with these points. Hate the Yankees all you want, but they're good for baseball. If you still disagree, you're just jealous.

26 times. Period.

Sleep on This

2005-05-08T16:47:00.000-06:00

What's up with all the mattress commercials on tv lately? They all promise a better night's sleep, more comfort, yada yada yada. Well for one, Americans would sleep better if they all weren't a bunch of fat whales with sleep apnea. But on the other hand, have you ever seen the sleeping couples in these commercials? For crying out loud, if I was sleeping next to women that hot, I'd be sleeping like a baby too. I mean once you bust a nut into one of those sweet pieces of ass, you're out like a light. Maybe it's not the mattress that's the secret to a good night's sleep, it's what's sleeping next to you. So don't waste your money on a bed. Waste it on a hot Russian bride.

It wasn't that mattress that made me sleep like a baby.

Rate My Poop

2005-05-04T12:37:00.000-06:00

I've seen a lot of blogs with posts about meaningless events in someone's day: what they had for lunch, who beat them to the copier at work, what kind of mood their cat was in, etc. Well I'm not going to bore you with that kind of stuff. The highlight of my day was this nice big ol' dump I took. There have been babies born that weighed less (and looked worse). And thank God your screen's not a scratch n' sniff cause it was a stinker! Pretty nice, huh? Let me know what you think!

Heidi Ho!

Ebeneizer McDoogle

2005-05-01T18:17:00.000-06:00

What's up with hot women pairing up with goofy dudes nowadays? I've seen a lot of fine women out and about (not in Great Falls, Montana), and many of them are with the dorkiest tools created. What gives? Are they with them for their money, their smarts, their big johnsons? Granted, I can't stand meatheads either, but women are starting to confuse me. I have tabbed these luck dorks "Ebeneizer McDoogles." So when you see one of these chumps out with a model, say "What's your secret, Ebeneizer?" Then kick him in the nuts and show his girl a real man.

"After math class I'm taking Carmen Electra to dinner."

DJs vs Bands

2005-04-27T12:31:00.000-06:00

OK, some flaming chump takes some of daddy's money, assembles some equipment, compiles a collection of songs, and poof! He's a DJ. Now he can give himself a gay name, like DJ Fuzz, book himself at clubs and weddings, and charge an unreasonable amount of money. And no, he's just not hitting "PLAY" on the CD player, he's practicing an art, called "spinning." How is that somebody like this gets paid more money, and is amazingly, more popular, than a band? A band which requires several members to 1)know how to play an instrument, 2)know how to play songs, and 3)know how to play well together. It doesn't make sense. Don't support DJs, support bands - people with actual talent.

"What? You want to hear 'Keep on Rocking in the Free World'? I don't think I have that one."

Absolutely NOT Great Falls

2005-04-24T16:41:00.000-06:00

Now you can tell by my name that I live on York St, right in the heart of Yale University. Yea the students are liberal, but come on, there's nothing hotter than a smart girl, especially one with a smokin' body. I mean Jordana Brewster (Fast and Furious) went here for crying out loud. Well I recently had the opportunity to visit Great Falls, Montana. Now while there's a lot to rag on that city, I'll focus on the fact that I did not see one pretty woman the whole time there. There's an abundance of large, flannel clad, mullet sporting beasts who waddle from one feeding trough to the next. And any woman who was halfway decent looking had the intellectual capacity of a basketball. Those who thought they were hot to trot wouldn't get a second look in a real town. Warning to all men: Don't go wife shopping in Great Falls!

She's hot AND smart. In Great Falls, you can't find hot OR smart.

Da Bum's Blogging Commandments

2005-03-30T12:41:00.000-07:00

I have been taking a lot of heat lately for starting a blog. You see, I have been sort of the anti-blog for some time. But I have come to believe that some good can come from blogging. As long as a few rules are adhered to:

1. Thou shall not post more than three times a week.
If you're posting more than that, then you are spending too much time at your computer and need to get some fresh air. Besides, if you're that good, then why aren't you a syndicated writer for the AP?

2. Thou shall not tell useless details of your life.
Nobody cares about the sandwich you had for lunch, or what your dog got into this morning, or what you watched on tv last night. Talk about something meaningful, intriguing, and hopefully insulting.

3. State your opinion, not what's politically correct.
You're not applying for a job, or making a speech to the NAACP. Say what you feel and don't worry about what other people think. If somebody thinks you're wrong, it's their right to ignore you or enlighten you on their perspective.

That's a start. If I come up with any more, I'll let you know.

P.S. I'll be out of commission for a few weeks while I'm on the road collecting bottles and cans. Next update: April 24. See ya then.

"Why are these pages stuck together?"

Nobody Owes You Shit, Bitch

2005-03-27T10:21:00.000-07:00

I'm sick of people thinking the government owes them everything. People that smoked and drank and never exercised their whole life, now, surprise, have health problems. And they expect not only to be cared for, at no charge, but to be completely cured. And if they're not cured, well then that doctor is going to get sued. No wonder nobody wants to be a doctor anymore. People need to take accountability for their actions, and accept the consequences if their decisions were stupid. "Oh I'm sorry. It says here that you're a lazy moron. That doesn't qualify for compensation." Beat it.

Her outfit also doubles as a table cloth.

You're Not Fat. You're Effen Enormous

2005-03-23T12:06:00.000-07:00

No wonder America is blowing up faster than a Pakistani in Israel. We are surrounded by some of the most fat-filled, non-nutritous food available, with portion sizes large enough to feed an entire village in South America. Not only can we roll from the McDonald's Drive Thru to the Dairy Queen Drive Thru without having to waddle out of our car, now we don't even have to go to the video store to complete our useless day. Thanks to the video outlets, you can now have movies delivered right to your house. If you can muster up the strength to make it your mailbox without suffering a heart attack or causing a small earthquake, you can settle in for a movie marathon, some Big Macs, fries, and ice cream. Welcome to America: over 250 million lazy slobs served.

If You Can't See My Mirrors, I Can't See You.

Lotto: The Voluntary Tax

2005-03-20T11:01:00.000-07:00

I love to see people playing Lotto. These are the same people who bitch and moan when the taxes are increased. Hello? Don't you realize that playing Lotto is like paying taxes. Voluntarily. You're not going to win. And even if you do win, that sum is almost always less than the amount you've invested over time. Either way, the government makes money. So thank you, lotto players, for keeping the state running and keeping my taxes lower. All you need is a dollar and a dream. Keep trying.

Taking Kids To School Everyday.

Wheaties: Breakfast of Shitheads (And Me)

2005-03-16T12:32:00.000-07:00

I hate the Red Sox. I hate their fans and they way they talk. I hate their stadium. I hate Manny Ramirez. I hate David Ortiz. I hate Curt Schilling, Johnny Damon, Trot Nixon, Kevin Millar, and Keith Foulke. I hate their uniforms. I hate everything about them. So imagine my dismay when all the boxes of Wheaties at the supermarket featured the Red Sox. Do I get another cereal? Do I go to another store? Do I eat bagels for the week. Nope. I need my Wheaties, but I couldn't look at David Ortiz' shaggy, ignorant, fat ass all week. So I made some adjustments.

Eat Your Wheaties, Bitch

Help Control Population: Start Smoking

2005-03-13T08:29:00.000-07:00

I've changed my stance on smoking. I used to encourage people to quit, or never start, for their own good and the good of society. You see, I believed that when these smokers developed inevitable illnesses down the line, the rest of society would be footing the bill for their stupidity. That's why I'm a supporter of the tobacco tax. Now I still can't stand being around smoke, but I think more people should smoke. I've come to realize that most of these people will die a lot younger than the nonsmokers. And if they die younger, that will mean a lot less bitter, useless, nagging, annoying (I could go on forever) retirees running around. Not only getting in my way when I'm trying to get things done, but soaking up years of social security and health care costs. Which means there may actually be some resources left for my retired, nonsmoking ass. Smoke 'em if you got em!

That's Gotta Be A Bitch To Shave.

Take A Buzzsaw To This

2005-03-09T17:21:00.000-07:00

The Carpenter's Gold CD set is for sale. Are you kidding me? Who the hell would buy this crap? Just watching the commercial makes me want to go outside and find a tall tree and some rope. They make some of the most depressing music ever produced, and then they're smiling about it like they just received a hot buttermilk colonic. There's a reason music doesn't sound like that anymore: It sucks!

"Boy, that gerbil feels great in my ass!"

When It Rains, It Pores

2005-03-06T11:53:00.000-07:00

The rock band Downpore has broken up. Now most of you are probably saying "Who?". But this Queens,NY outfit just happens to be one of the best unsigned (or signed, for that matter) bands that I know. Not only that, but they are good friends and a great bunch of guys. Not many people can say that they've shared the stage with one of their all-time favorite bands. I can. R.I.P. Downpore. Thanks for the awesome music and the memories.

Downpore at CBGBs. Watch Your Head.

Dream Job: Nick Lachey's Life

2005-03-02T13:26:00.000-07:00

Who's got it better than this dude? He gets to lounge around all day, spend his wife's money, play golf, go fishing, party on yachts and in luxury suites at the Orange Bowl. Then at the end of the day when all is said and done, he gets to release some of the most perfect twins ever created and bang Jessica Simpson. Let me know when his life is hiring, cause I'm applying.

"Honey, I'm Home!"