Wednesday, November 30, 2005

It's Official: I'm Defecting

Those of you that keep up with this bullshit blog are familiar with my fondness of Canada. Last weekend I blew off another fat bastard American holiday and the following day of insane greediness at the malls and headed north. Well now that I've returned, I've decided to move there. I'm going to place my resume on Monster and start looking for work in Calgary. I don't care if I have to bus tables or shine shoes. Calgary is a very clean, culturally diverse city filled with nice people and gorgeous women. I think they exile all the fat, ugly girls to Butte and Great Falls because I didn't see one the whole trip. And I don't just mean nice looking, I mean cover girl material up there. People bust on Canada but I like the fact that they are a laid back nation that just lives and enjoys life. There are no terrorists trying to attack them because they're not out all over the world starting shit. Get a bed ready for me because here I come!

Welcome to the Promised Land. Posted by Picasa

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

What a Joke

Did anyone see that mockery of the greatest movie ever made, “The Poseidon Adventure,” that was on NBC Sunday night? There’s no way to improve on perfection, so I don’t know why they even tried to remake this classic. It was supposed to be The Poseidon Adventure with a modern twist, complete with terrorists, gunfights, extramarital affairs, and improved special effects. All I saw was a foolish movie filled with terrible acting and poor story lines. They reused some scenes and plots from the original, but their production was so bad that they were insignificant. One example was when Mrs Rosen died after making the underwater swim. Well, she didn’t clear the way for anyone, and Manny had died years ago. So who fucking cares? Some character names remained the same, but their development was terrible, and I felt no connection to them whatsoever. When one of them died, I couldn’t give a shit. NBC, don’t ever do anything like this again, you morons.

How gay. Posted by Picasa

Sunday, November 20, 2005

The Big Guy's Back

My friend sent me a link to Mike Caracciolo's website. His thick New York accent and profanity-laden rants bring back fond memories of my time in the Northeast. You don't find too many guys in Montana who talk like he does with his point of view. Check him out, especially the video entitled "Bat Day." You may think he's an ignorant fool, but he's one funny paisan.

Don't f$ck with fat Italian dudes.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Lost In Austin

Having recently returned from a visit to Texas, I have a few observations about your state:

1) God, it's ugly. It's the biggest state in the continental U.S., and every place I've been to looks exactly the same. Flat, desert-like shit.
2) Does everybody in Austin need to wear a Texas Longhorn shirt? Is that so if you get lost I can put you in a mailbox and you will be returned home? I think it's a given that if you're in Austin, then you're a UT fan. No need to announce that fact.
3) 6th Street was fun, but I think it's oversaturated with bars. Some were completely empty. That's not cool.
4) I've heard a lot about the fine women in Texas. Well, where the hell were you? I mean the ladies I saw were hot, but they were outnumbered by dudes by at least 10 to 1. Picture Jersey, only replace the meatheads with cowboys.
5) Appreciate the music scene. There are some kick ass bands rocking the bars, and you guys sat there like it was a jukebox. Show the bands some respect and at least clap.

I'll have to give Austin an incomplete grade for the time being. I didn't spend enough time there to fully evaluate it. But right now it's headed for a C+.

At night this turns to a stew, complete with comboys, piss, and beer. Posted by Picasa

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Scooby Doo Wins Mayoral Race!

In a surprising turn of events, famed cartoon hero Scooby Doo defeated incumbent Randy Gray and challenger Dona Stebbins in a close race for Great Falls mayor. Scooby learned of his victory late last night while gathered with friends and supporters at the Loading Zone. Said Scooby "I'm weally wexcited wo wurn Wreat Walls waround." John Bullzine, a Great Falls voter, said he voted for Scooby because "it's about time we have a modern, educated leader in this town. He's more charismatic and well spoken than the other candidates. Plus the others are way too ugly." Scooby is expected to get right to work in order to make Great Falls a great place to live. His first orders of business are to ban mullets and flannel shirts, eliminate the casinos, promote literacy in our schools, and legalize public defecation. It should be a great couple of years!

So which one is the dog again? Posted by Picasa

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Club Cigar Smoke

My band rocked the Club Cigar last night, the oldest tavern in Great Falls. It also seemed like the smokiest, so its name is quite appropriate. We were a little apprehensive about the show, since most of our fan base was taking it in the shorts by their "employer." But it actually turned out to be a great show. A lot of locals came out, and we made a bunch of new fans. Many of our friends also came down, although not as many as usual, and they definitely couldn't get as crazy as they normally would. Somebody had a little bit too much fun however, as you can see by the sink in the men's room. If you missed the show, you can catch us Friday, November 11th at Bert n Ernie's for an all ages early show beginning at 7pm.

I'm not sure if this was the result of our music or too many beers. Posted by Picasa

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

The World Is Coming to End

I firmly believe that the end is near. Between manmade turmoil and nature's unrest, ultimate disaster is imminent. Think about it. Earthquakes, tsunamis, hurricanes - all striking with a wrath never seen before. Wars, terror attacks, and nuclear weapon accumulation are adding fuel to the fire. I think next to go is Yellowstone. That simmering firepot is going to blow a hole in the Northwest. So my advice is this: Live for today, stock some food and water, get a gun and know how use it, and get ready for the Armageddon. Don't worry though, the world will never truly come to an end. Life will find a way. It just won't be human life.

Most of you will probably be boiled alive. Posted by Picasa