Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Sex Sells

I recently put my band's profile on a cool website called MySpace. It's a great way to get our name out there and network. Well, I was a little disappointed with the number of hits our page was getting. So I replaced the band picture with the one below. No, it has nothing to do with our band, but it is attracting quite a bit of attention. Our hits doubled in just 3 days. I imagine people (probably mostly guys) are disappointed when they click on the link and find out it's just my gay band. But they're coming to our page nonetheless. Anybody have any suggestions as to what I should put up there to attract the ladies?

Damn. Posted by Hello

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Another Slow News Night in Montana...Again

While the local news in most cities is an hour long in order to report on all the murders, robberies, and corrupt politicians (see Newark, NJ), the news here in Montana is a little different. They often struggle for hot news. The top story today was a car fire in which no one was injured. Seriously. In order to fill up the entire half-hour, the viewers are treated to a ridiculously long weather report. For twenty minutes we are forced to listen to the high and low temperatures, wind chills, forecasts, etc for EVERY CITY IN MONTANA, even if it has a population of 3 humans and few dozen horses. "Oh good, it's going to be 50 degrees in Podunk tomorrow. I know nobody has lived there since 1923, but that is good to know." I guess I shouldn't complain though. I could live in one of those cities that spends an hour reporting on murders, robberies, and corrupt politicians. But I wish the local news here would find something to report on besides an insanely redundant weather report.

Who the hell cares? Nobody lives in those towns anyway. Posted by Hello

Sunday, June 12, 2005

The Wallet Owl's a Hoot

Have you seen this thing? It's a credit card looking object with a magnifying glass and a light. It's for all the old fogies who can't see shit anymore. As the commercial says, no more embarrassing yourself at the restaurant by fumbling with your reading glasses to see the menu. Just look like a friggin' tool when you take out this light-up decoder card that looks like it came out of a box of Cocoa Pepples. And you want $16.99 for this crap? All these damn retirees won't need the Wallet Owl to read this:

When does it say I should take my Viagra? Posted by Hello

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Pauly Pops aka "Scarbony"

I gotta give it up to my boy Pauly Pops. Granted, he's not going to solve the AIDS epidemic, but the man is talented. He can draw. He can rap. You'll hear his hot new single "Ho's In Da Club" on the radio real soon. And check out his Scarface painting below. There's a lot more equally impressive artwork where that came from. Remember this kid's name.

"I said no pickles!" Posted by Hello

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Dipping: The Way Real Men (and Women) Enjoy Tobacco

With the areas that allow smoking quickly diminishing, and the habit itself becoming more of a social taboo, big tobacco is pushing the smokeless route. If you've seen the ads, they say things like "When you're team's smoking and you can't..." Now I think this is a great idea. While my chewing days are a thing of the past, I think it's way better than smoking. Here's why:

1) There's no such thing as secondary dip spit. Although other people have to watch you spit brown juices, they won't get cancer from it. You only harm yourself.
2) Lung function is not compromised with smokeless tobacco. No shortness of breath, no cough, no emphysema.
3) Baseball players chew.
4) It's part of Montana life.
5) No smoking signs do not apply. You can pack a fatty anywhere.
6) You can answer "No" with a clean conscience when your doctor asks you if you smoke.
7) While it's still not good for you, the incidence of mouth cancer in chewers is much less than the incidence of lung cancer in smokers.
8) It comes in some great flavors (wintergreen, mint, apple, berry, vanilla, and very soon, peach).
9) Chewing tobacco doesn't make your clothes stink.
10) You can dip and still keep both your hands free.

Now I'm not encouraging people to take up dipping. But if your a smoker who refuses to quit, I recommend making the switch. It's good for everyone involved. Plus it's cooler.

Now that's a fatty. Give him a big kiss. Posted by Hello

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Hitler Is My Hero

Just kidding. But it has come to my attention that my last post, while entertaining, was a "typical blog post." Good God, no! If it comes to that I'm retreating faster than the Italian army. I will NOT become just another blogger. So to compensate, this post is just straight hate. Here's to all the hippies, fat slobs, lazy bums, extreme liberals, retired wastes of life, and Red Sox fans in the world: F$ck off!

"Put this in your pipe and smoke it, bitch." Posted by Hello