Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Da Bum's Blogging Commandments

I have been taking a lot of heat lately for starting a blog. You see, I have been sort of the anti-blog for some time. But I have come to believe that some good can come from blogging. As long as a few rules are adhered to:

1. Thou shall not post more than three times a week.
If you're posting more than that, then you are spending too much time at your computer and need to get some fresh air. Besides, if you're that good, then why aren't you a syndicated writer for the AP?

2. Thou shall not tell useless details of your life.
Nobody cares about the sandwich you had for lunch, or what your dog got into this morning, or what you watched on tv last night. Talk about something meaningful, intriguing, and hopefully insulting.

3. State your opinion, not what's politically correct.
You're not applying for a job, or making a speech to the NAACP. Say what you feel and don't worry about what other people think. If somebody thinks you're wrong, it's their right to ignore you or enlighten you on their perspective.

That's a start. If I come up with any more, I'll let you know.

P.S. I'll be out of commission for a few weeks while I'm on the road collecting bottles and cans. Next update: April 24. See ya then.

"Why are these pages stuck together?" Posted by Hello

Sunday, March 27, 2005

Nobody Owes You Shit, Bitch

I'm sick of people thinking the government owes them everything. People that smoked and drank and never exercised their whole life, now, surprise, have health problems. And they expect not only to be cared for, at no charge, but to be completely cured. And if they're not cured, well then that doctor is going to get sued. No wonder nobody wants to be a doctor anymore. People need to take accountability for their actions, and accept the consequences if their decisions were stupid. "Oh I'm sorry. It says here that you're a lazy moron. That doesn't qualify for compensation." Beat it.

Her outfit also doubles as a table cloth. Posted by Hello

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

You're Not Fat. You're Effen Enormous

No wonder America is blowing up faster than a Pakistani in Israel. We are surrounded by some of the most fat-filled, non-nutritous food available, with portion sizes large enough to feed an entire village in South America. Not only can we roll from the McDonald's Drive Thru to the Dairy Queen Drive Thru without having to waddle out of our car, now we don't even have to go to the video store to complete our useless day. Thanks to the video outlets, you can now have movies delivered right to your house. If you can muster up the strength to make it your mailbox without suffering a heart attack or causing a small earthquake, you can settle in for a movie marathon, some Big Macs, fries, and ice cream. Welcome to America: over 250 million lazy slobs served.

If You Can't See My Mirrors, I Can't See You. Posted by Hello

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Lotto: The Voluntary Tax

I love to see people playing Lotto. These are the same people who bitch and moan when the taxes are increased. Hello? Don't you realize that playing Lotto is like paying taxes. Voluntarily. You're not going to win. And even if you do win, that sum is almost always less than the amount you've invested over time. Either way, the government makes money. So thank you, lotto players, for keeping the state running and keeping my taxes lower. All you need is a dollar and a dream. Keep trying.

Taking Kids To School Everyday. Posted by Hello

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Wheaties: Breakfast of Shitheads (And Me)

I hate the Red Sox. I hate their fans and they way they talk. I hate their stadium. I hate Manny Ramirez. I hate David Ortiz. I hate Curt Schilling, Johnny Damon, Trot Nixon, Kevin Millar, and Keith Foulke. I hate their uniforms. I hate everything about them. So imagine my dismay when all the boxes of Wheaties at the supermarket featured the Red Sox. Do I get another cereal? Do I go to another store? Do I eat bagels for the week. Nope. I need my Wheaties, but I couldn't look at David Ortiz' shaggy, ignorant, fat ass all week. So I made some adjustments.

Eat Your Wheaties, Bitch Posted by Hello

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Help Control Population: Start Smoking

I've changed my stance on smoking. I used to encourage people to quit, or never start, for their own good and the good of society. You see, I believed that when these smokers developed inevitable illnesses down the line, the rest of society would be footing the bill for their stupidity. That's why I'm a supporter of the tobacco tax. Now I still can't stand being around smoke, but I think more people should smoke. I've come to realize that most of these people will die a lot younger than the nonsmokers. And if they die younger, that will mean a lot less bitter, useless, nagging, annoying (I could go on forever) retirees running around. Not only getting in my way when I'm trying to get things done, but soaking up years of social security and health care costs. Which means there may actually be some resources left for my retired, nonsmoking ass. Smoke 'em if you got em!

That's Gotta Be A Bitch To Shave. Posted by Hello

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Take A Buzzsaw To This

The Carpenter's Gold CD set is for sale. Are you kidding me? Who the hell would buy this crap? Just watching the commercial makes me want to go outside and find a tall tree and some rope. They make some of the most depressing music ever produced, and then they're smiling about it like they just received a hot buttermilk colonic. There's a reason music doesn't sound like that anymore: It sucks!

"Boy, that gerbil feels great in my ass!" Posted by Hello

Sunday, March 06, 2005

When It Rains, It Pores

The rock band Downpore has broken up. Now most of you are probably saying "Who?". But this Queens,NY outfit just happens to be one of the best unsigned (or signed, for that matter) bands that I know. Not only that, but they are good friends and a great bunch of guys. Not many people can say that they've shared the stage with one of their all-time favorite bands. I can. R.I.P. Downpore. Thanks for the awesome music and the memories.

Downpore at CBGBs. Watch Your Head. Posted by Hello

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Dream Job: Nick Lachey's Life

Who's got it better than this dude? He gets to lounge around all day, spend his wife's money, play golf, go fishing, party on yachts and in luxury suites at the Orange Bowl. Then at the end of the day when all is said and done, he gets to release some of the most perfect twins ever created and bang Jessica Simpson. Let me know when his life is hiring, cause I'm applying.

"Honey, I'm Home!"Posted by Hello